Life has been stumbling into fast forward and everyone is trying to make it slow down. I can't believe all my friends and family members who are growing up and getting married. Everyone is settleing down, and lots are moving away and going to other places. My brother is one of those people who suddenly swerved into the fast lane. It has been since January since I've seen him last, and with the unexpected death of our grandmother we flew him in that night. I can't even put words behind the way that it felt that morning when I walked in the door and knew that he was sleeping in his bedroom right across the hall way from mine. It was like going back in time, and that moment seemed to replenish all the lost feelings that had been covered up by a space between us of 3400 miles. I never forget about my brother, even when I don't see him for long periods of time. I just miss him. I can't snap my fingers and see him, or laugh with him. I can't sit around and talk about old times. There aren't any old times anymore it seems, there's only new. So in order to cope with this distance that is between us, I unintentionally refuse to allow that new to join in with the old.
When I describe the passing of my grandmother, I say that it was unexpected. That is another thing that no one will ever be able to fully comprehend. We all were certain that she was going to live another 10 years at the least. The whole time that I sat through my uncle's wedding and my cousins wedding the weekend after, I was thinking to myself about how beautiful my grandmother was, and how one day she would be part of my wedding. I was thinking about what she might think of the person that I'd like to marry, and if she would accept him. If she would believe in our love and support us. I hated to think like that, but it just made me want to become closer to her to be able to show her how much in love I am with Matt and that we look up to her and my grandfathers marriage of 53 years.
