It's not me

I guess no matter how busy you keep yourself, it doesnt matter. The thoughts of unsatisfaction and unhappiness have been with me for the past month or so. I've been thinking so much off and on off and on about what I should do, how I can make things better. Last night was a major break through with me. For some reason, when I got off of work, the only thing that I wanted or felt like doing was crying. I felt like letting loose and giving in to those emotions that I had been feeling and trying to keep burried for so long. Feelings that I felt I wasn't allowed to feel, or shouldn't feel because of trying to make him think that everything was okay. I've tried to talk to him and explain with out having to get upset. Even the crying I don't think made any point to him at all, except that I was upset-- not expressing from what cause. I just don't even know how to sum everything up anymore. I am upset sometimes, but I am upset about more then just one little thing. I am upset about everything, about the entirety of the relationship and the unrealness that it seems that it resembles to me. Last night he put his hands on my face and rubbed my skin. It was the most careing thing that matt has ever shown to me. and the guilt of feeling the way that I had been sank into me, but then I remem

extrem

Time is obese

I dont know why in the world last night, when I would wake up, I'd think about becomming a train dispatcher. I think that Matt is putting a lot of pressure on me, which he shouldnt really be. I am getting my job back at advance to work while I am going to school. And it is almost like he is trying to make me think that school is wasted time. I know that I don't want to work at advance the rest of my life, or in a place like it. I want to make my life better then that. I feel sorry for the people who are working their butts off in there but it is what they made for themselves. To me the time that it is taking me to get my education will prevent me from being miserable later on in life. And I guess the dispatcher job is like another easy way out-- Like... ha, that only takes ten weeks of training and then I would make at least 50k a year, probably more. I don't rule something like that out, just because I feel like I can't wait another three years to start my life-- This really is one of the most stressful times in life. and Matt--- well he had it easy, and even when he didnt-- he didnt even think about how he were going to better himself. He never worried about it. But for some reason here, I am trying to figure it all out, and matt is just pushing me away from doing that for myself. I need his support, not him to critisize me for not working all the time-- I am going to school. I am doing what I can right now to work towards the future... that is my main goal... yet he doesnt see it like that, he acts like I am slacking off or wasteing my time. It really gets old. I dont know how to explain this to him. Like... I am sure that if i were to suggest that I do ten weeks of training away from home that he would be all about it. But would that really make me happy?? Having to drive an hour at least to work every day and having stress on my shoulders?? I mean I think that the job would be alright, but I can't picture myself working nights and everything like you are required I am pretty sure. I can ask my uncle what he thinks.. and what he knows about the job. That way I am not just guessing that it wouldn't be a good decision. But I think that my main reason for making the decision would be to just make matt happy and have his support on something. It sucks that he doesnt appreciate me for what I am doing right now.... It doesnt make me feel good.

A-Mason’ Centerpieces | Weddingbee

A-Mason’ Centerpieces Weddingbee

Romantic Sweetheart Neckline Floral Ball Gown Tea Length Wedding Dress

Romantic Sweetheart Neckline Floral Ball Gown Tea Length Wedding Dress
awesome dress! 159.00 on zoom bridal.com

Far and Away : Style 935 From AllureBridals.com

Far and Away : Style 935 From AllureBridals.com

Allure : Style 8803 From AllureBridals.com

Allure : Style 8803 From AllureBridals.com

Dresses??

Romantic Sweetheart Neckline Floral Ball Gown Tea Length Wedding Dress

I absolutely love this dress it is amazing. 159.00 on zoom bridals.
ITEM# ZBB01152


http://zoombridal.com/zbb01145.html?___store=english
another one from zoom bridal that is 159.00. I dont like quite as much as the first one, it is more over done.
ITEM# ZBB01145

Destinations by Mon Cheri - Informal Wedding Dress - STYLE - 18107

Destinations by Mon Cheri - Informal Wedding Dress - STYLE - 18107

OMGG

WOWW! Matt proposed to me christmas morning 2010!! 5 days before I am 21. I really thought that he would make me wait a long time for the ring, or to propose. I am so excited and happy it is unbelievable.
I think that we are making some progress trying to decide what we want to do. I still want a white dress, and I still want a preecher, and I still want ONE day to celebrate US.. And I think that every part of that is comprimisable to certain things that he wants. I know that he doesnt want to have to wear a suit or rent a tux. the more simple it is, the easier, and more enjoyable that it will end up being for him. I can understand that.
I think that we have agreed that having it at the pond would be a great idea for us. I love the gazabo and i would love to have it right there-- with the beautiful trees and everything. I am excited about having such a nice location and area down at the pond that i have realized that I like so much. it would just need a few decorations to be able to turn it into something out of a magazine. We both want a small ceremony, with just our CLOSEST family and possibly some very close friends like ashleigh and whoever matt would really like to be there. Those are some of the things that we really need to get clairified. After the ceremony at the pond, then I'd like to have the BIG party/reception up at my house and then everyone who wants to come can join us to celebrate!
I still want to send out invitations for the reception party, especially to the family and friends who I really want to have show up.
The dress:: I am thinking not over 100.00 maybe?? I want something that fits great, i dont care where I get it... and I want it to be comfortable to wear all day long.
I am super stoked to be wearing a simple beautiful ring from someone with a beautiful heart who I am looking so much forward to spending the rest of my life with!!

Cushion VS Radiant

This is really what I like about the radiant "crushed ice" look. I prefer this look to the well collected looking cut that there is also avail.

I googled "crushed ice" look for a diamond. and Am getting some pictures that come up to show what that means.

I do not like the way that this chart shows the radiant. It looks more like a princess cut to me in this chard. And i would prefer the cushion to the radiant that they are showing on this chart. This is what I am having a hard time understanding. Why and how do the radiant cuts look different when they are the same cut??

I am just having trouble creating a way to compare the radiant and the cushion. This is a pretty clear chart that shows the distinction between the two different cuts. There was also a "chopped ice" look, or the "chunky" look to the diamonds. I prefer more of the "chopped ice" look like in the radiant in this picture.

Almost 21

So, lately I have been thinking a lot about the future, my goals, what I want in the rest of my life. I have decided to start working towards an associates degree in radiography. I will start by doing my general education requirements at FCC and then once I am done, go on to hagerstown community college to do their 2 yr program. I am excited about the oppertunities and doors that this will open for me later on in life. I am hopeing that maybe during the program I will also be able to attain some medical experience at some point and be able to get a good job as soon as I have completed the program.
It is mid december now. Looking forward to my 21st birthday on the 30th. I have looked around at some different jewelry stores and what not. I dont think that white and ivory would be the place to buy. I dont think that colonial is the correct thing that is the LIFETIME piece that I am looking for, no matter how much I did love that ring. I am not going to settle for a fake diamond, that is neither a life time piece that I desire.
Matt said that he got a credit card and activated it and he will be able to go and purchase a diamnd engagement ring. so WOW, I really did NOT expect this-- and I am very suprised and looking forward to it. I am going to just let matt pick it out I believe. I will try to let him know one more time what it is that he should focus on when going into the store. I don't really care about the setting. I would like to have just a plain solitaire setting and then I want him to do the honors of picking out the diamond for me. I think that he will do a great job at that! and I believe that he is the one purchasing the ring, so he should have the honors of making the decisions about it, unless he really doesnt want to. There are a lot of really nice bands that I could put with it, i'd like to find something cheap but something antique looking to pair with whatever solitaire engagement ring that he will get for me. That is the best part about the solitaire... LIKE i have no idea what I REALLY want right now as far as setting goes, so later on down the road in like 5 years I can pick out my semimount and keep my beautiful diamond that matt gets for me. And ANY band will go with the plain solitaire setting. So I think the plain/classic ring styles will suit us the best.
When matt told me that he got the credit card to get the ring, it almost felt like he was asking me to marry him right there on the spot. I got this feeling in my stomach, my face, my hands and legs that I dont think could ever be met by any other feeling. It was as though my brain were fireing impulses, like it were jumping for joy inside. So I can't wait for the moment when he does propose. No matter how many times i may invision it or think it all through, I will not be able to predit that feeling until the time that it comes.
So for now-- Matt and I have talked just briefly about how we would like to get married. I had once thought of having a wedding at Georges Mill bed and breakfast in lovettsville. That would have been perfect, but would have been more costly then I think either one of us would have wanted. I can understand his desire to save money, and to not spend it on a big shindig that is just one day that we will blow a whole bunch of money on. I completely agree. But my parents would be more than willing to help me have a ceremony-- they would probably pay for anything that i asked them to, but what I have come up with seems to have a light budget with it.
The gazabo at the pond would b the most perfect place to have the ceremony. I am thinking like 25-35 people attending the ceremony and then have an after party at my house. I could just buy a nice white dress somewhere for like 100.00 and then matt can wear his nice clothes. NOT make it a HUGE big deal, but make it memorable-- for us and for some of our most closest family or friends.

Ring at Colonial Jewelers

Wow, georgeous right?!? I am in love with this ring, and all of the benifits except that they do not take care of the ring free of charge after you purchase it there. The price is right, it is actually on sale from 2,800 to 2,400... and possibly if we went in there, that they would drop the price lower?? I almost feel like the psycho girlfriend about this ring, where I want it so bad that I have set it to my sesktop background on my computer and my cell phone.

One thing that I wish that I had was the support from my family and his family that we should get married. I am just not sure-- I know that his sister christi would love to see us married. I dont know about his mom anymore though, because she has seen the way that his drinking and his behavoir have done me wrong. My mom has also seen the same. My mom does not understand how I stay with him, which might explain that I really love him and I pray that he will realize that I am his best friend and treat me accordingly. I can't explain how great it is for me to just be with him and feel content. The past couple of weeks I have been able to deal with a lot of stress and I think that I did so very well. I feel like I have a sort of confidence in our relationship.

I asked him when we were getting married on sat night. He said soon. So.... lol lets go get our rings!!!

Ceremony

Matt has said that he doesnt want to have a big wedding or anything. He said that he just wants it to be a casual thing and he just cares if his mom and sister are there, and my mom and dad. I'd like to have more people there than that.
Even though he doesnt want to have a big wedding or anything, I think that I'd still like to have a get together at my house with some food and drinks and set up some tables and decorations and get married infront of the lilac bush or something?? Or out in the dront yard by my grandmas tree that we have planted there. We dont need to have seats for people, and I don't need to have a dress or anything. It could all be casual, but I do want a preecher. I need to start thinking of people who are able to marry us I guess.
I said that we could wait until I am finished with school and get a job and everything, and he says that he wants to be married before all of that. I dont really know what to think, I'd like to have a little bit of time to plan something for myself. I want like close family and friends to come and just have a really good time together. I think that it would be awesome. I don't care what time of the year we have it in or anything. We could also just go to the court house and have the justice of the peacce marry us and that is free of charge, you just have to pay for you marriage liscense. And then we could come back to my house and have the party there, That way I dont really have to even stress about time management or anything like that. we could get married a couple days before we have the get together, or whatever. I dont really care.
I emailed colonial jewlers about the ring so I am waiting to hear back from them about that.

I finally saw a moissanite

So I visited Ultra Diamonds in the outlet mall in Leesburg Virginia today and I saw a moissanite diamond stone. It was visably a more greenish and grayish color than real diamond. The weight for some reason felt like it was much lighter than a traditional ring, and they were set in 14k gold. I did not like the settings that they had there, and they really weren't that much cheaper than the diamond options. I would be able to get a much larger stone, but the color of the moissanite was definiatily enough to make me think twice. I would still consider it, just depending on what Matt would want to do. They said that Moissanite was just as hard as diamond and it would last like a diamond would. I asked them if there were other better options as far as colorless goes available, and they said that they thought that all the moissanite would have that color in it.
So I have been looking around at the different jewelry stores.
The perfect ring that I want right now is at Colonial Jewlers in downtown frederick. I might just email them to make sure that they still have it available and see if they could order if if they do not have it in stock anymore. Also I might ask them about christmas sales and if they could do anything with the price around the winter time? The beauty of this ring surpassed all the other rings of that same style that I had looked at, and the price was less than those not as nice ones that I saw at other jewlry stores at the mall. Price was $2,800 but the woman said that they weer able to work with the price and could go down to $2,500. The only concern that I have with this ring, is that they do not offer free iridum plateing and things like that, like Kettermans does when you purchase the ring from them.
Kettermans had one ring, which I think is too large for my likeing, and it was above the price range that I am willing to have anyone spend on me.
There are a lot of other options that are available out there, not which are as nice as the ring that I saw at Colonial Jewlers. I shopped around the mall and the stores have good prices, although quality would be an issue for me. Finks is a beautiful store, although prices are too high, and the settings alone are around 3,000 and the guy said that a half CT would cost around $1,500. It would be a wonderful ring to have, but I think that it is too much money. I'd rather just have the other ring from colonial than have to order a diamond and worry about spending that much money.

David Levy Diamonds & Fine Jewels Round Three-Stone & Pave Diamond Ring from Engagement Rings in US - WhereToGetEngaged.com

David Levy Diamonds & Fine Jewels Round Three-Stone & Pave Diamond Ring from Engagement Rings in US - WhereToGetEngaged.com

Diamond Substitutions

http://www.moissaniteco.com/round-brilliant-3stone-halo-moissanite-engagement-ring-p-9774.html

This beautiful Moissanite engagement ring features a unique three stone halo design, a 1ct/6.5mm round brilliant Moissanite center stone, two 4mm/0.25ct round Moissanite side stones, and 0.30 carat of round Moissanite side stones, set in 14k white gold, 14k yellow gold, or palladium.

Discover the breathtaking beauty of Moissanite, an incredible gemstone that was born from a star. Boasting fire, brilliance, and luster that far surpasses even that of a diamond, Moissanite twinkles and sparkles unlike any gemstone on earth. Composed of carbon and silicon the Moissanite crystal is one of the hardest on earth, making it extremely resistant to scratching, chipping and breaking.

Unlike other brilliant stones that cloud and dull with time, Moissanite is guaranteed to never lose its optical properties. Therefore, it will be every bit as beautiful, fiery and brilliant generations from now as the day you purchase it. Moissanite gemstones trully are Forever Brilliant.

Before you think you can't afford an engagement ring, consider moissanite. This lab-created mineral looks like diamond, can have the same brilliance as a diamond, and is almost as hard as a diamond. Yet moissanite costs just a fraction of a diamond's price

The biggest pro of moissanite is the cost. If you are on a budget, definitely look into this gem.

Pros: less expensive than a diamond, but more durable, and some say more brilliant than a cubic zirconia (cz). Moissanite is actually more refractive than a diamond, giving it more brilliance and fire than either a diamond or c.z.

Cons: Can be slightly green or gray rather than colorless, especially in bright daylight. Make sure you examine a potential moissanite stone under a variety of lighting conditions, and that you know your store's return policy. While cheaper than diamond, it is still more expensive than cubic zirconia. Also, although incorrect, some still characterize moissanite as a "fake" diamond, giving it a cheap feeling.

Moissanite...A Class of Its Own!

In a class of its own, with nearly 2 1/2 times more fire than diamond, moissanite is not a substitute or simulant, but rather a unique jewel with exceptional brilliance and fire that delivers quality, beauty and value like no other gemstone. Women around the globe love the big, bold sparkle of moissanite and rave over our collection of moissanite rings. Worn on either hand, a moissanite ring will simply take your breath away! Want to learn more about Moissanite Jewels? Visit our new Moissanite Resource Site, E Moissanite Jewelry.

This is the ring that I want right now that is a moissanite:

It was listed on Ebay for $1,499.00 with free shipping.

They design custom rings.

Also I could go to a reg jewelry store and pick out a setting that I like that is affordable and then just add in a Moissanite center stone instead of a regular diamond. You can purchase the lifetime warrenty Moissanite from a dealer names CHARLES & Colvard, apparently some kohls stores and jcpenny stores are carrying his line of moissanite gems at this time. There are also some other jewlery stores listed on his site that offer the product.

Wagon Wheel, WV-- 4wheeling trip

Picture of me and Amanda Beall on top of hill climb-- it was so windey up there

The time of my life. Going back in May this year. Can't wait. hope to get 4wheeler by time of next trip otherwise i wont have anything to ride. Id like to get 400ex or something equiv. to that maybe a little quicker but i dnt know.

It was a great time, there are no rules about what you can and can't do. we stayed in motel. My first time ever being in motel. lol. But I had such a great time . we rode total of 240 miles over three days of riding and never hit same trails. All through the mountains. There were some really neat places. I CAN'T wait to go back in the spring!

Some of the trails were just amazing with wonderful views. It was almost romantic if there would have been time to just sit back and relax and look off the side of the trails and gaze at the views, but when riding I really had to watch where I was going.

Another place that i'd like to visit is new river gorge. I went there when I was younger but I feel like now that I am older I might be able to enjoy it a little more? I will do some research on it and find out if there any fun things that you can do while you are there. There are all kinds of pics of base jumpers jumping off the gorge bridge, and there are some falls somewhere that you can go to. I think that It would be nice for like me and amanda arboghast and cliff and matt or another couple.

Going Back

This mush is where I like to stop pile everything that I like together. I was almost planning on getting married this comming september, of course it is the month of september now. I was hopeing that maybe last winter my boyfriend would have gotten me a ring, but It still hasn't happened yet.

I have gone through the internet and looked at things that I like and I have visited jewlrey stores, but I dont think that he will get me anything that I like and I don't think that he cares. I don't really even care, but it would be nice, since he's never gotten anything for me to think that he would go out of his way a little bit and he would want to show me how much it means to him. I don't care if he goes to the pawn shop or where he gets something, I just wish that he would give me the chance to tell him what I'd like or not like, and that way I dont end up wearing a ring that I do not like. HA, it is funny to me to even think about this anymore, but logging into this site makes me kinda feel bad about it. This is just like an archive of all the stuff that Ive found that I do like, and when i do shop online and stuff like that I look for inexpencive items that would be do0able.

anyway. Things are about 90% right now with matt. They are much much better then what they used to be. I dont know why. He knows that I've been waiting for a ring and stuff. My mom pointed something out to me the other day, that if he wanted to do something nice for me or get me something nice then he would have to ask his mom for money to do that, because she is in control of all of the money. Also, he is alwayssssss going to have HIS stuff that he WANTS and is WORKING on and buying. His 4wheelers and his trucks... it is a never ending thing. It reminds me of my dad, which has never bothered me, because my mom has always baught everything for me that i've wanted when i was younger, like the cell phones and the computers and the jewelry and the cars she has helped me buy and just a never ending list. My dad helped my buy a dirtbike, but that is in the same category as his woodsplitter and his toys that he uses while working. It is an investment for him and I am glad that he does all of the things that he does for himself to stay busy, but it does remind me of how matt is, a lot of his money goes towards just stuff for themselves.

I don't like to crituque things like that, it doesnt really bother me that much that my dad is like that, i am glad that he has the money to do things for himself. and he is the one who is doing the work so he deserves everything that he has.

I just wish that matt could be like okay, I will get you a diamond ring and we can be engaged and then When you finish with your schooling and we both are set up with full time jobs then we can get married. I don't see whats wrong with that. I hate thinking that he says he wants me to be the mother of his kids and then I feel like the only real way that he will be alright with giving up his childhish ways and his iresponsibilities is if i accidentially get knocked up. It wouldnt just be a choice that he'd like to make, and be like okay I AM READY and i'd like to have kids now. I wish that he did a little more of living life like that, but i don't think it is really in his nature to do things that way.

So I don't know, I will keep in mind some rings that I have seen. I think that my FAVORITE one that i've seen was at the jewelry store in down town frederick md called capital jewelers. It was a three stone ring, which i always had said that I didnt like and then what do u know, I see a ring that I LOVE which is already set up with real diamonds and everything in it. 14k white gold but i dont really care. It looked like the picture off the the right hand side that I have copied and pasted. I forget where I found this picture, But I will continue looking for rings that look like this. Some of the sites call them "halo" rings, so I guess I could use that when I do my searches. I like the "antique halo" style.

Simon G Jewelry Designer Engagement Rings & Fashion Jewelry - MR1677

Simon G Jewelry Designer Engagement Rings & Fashion Jewelry - MR1677


MY FAVORITE but i might want something a little larger