Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's not me
I guess no matter how busy you keep yourself, it doesnt matter. The thoughts of unsatisfaction and unhappiness have been with me for the past month or so. I've been thinking so much off and on off and on about what I should do, how I can make things better. Last night was a major break through with me. For some reason, when I got off of work, the only thing that I wanted or felt like doing was crying. I felt like letting loose and giving in to those emotions that I had been feeling and trying to keep burried for so long. Feelings that I felt I wasn't allowed to feel, or shouldn't feel because of trying to make him think that everything was okay. I've tried to talk to him and explain with out having to get upset. Even the crying I don't think made any point to him at all, except that I was upset-- not expressing from what cause. I just don't even know how to sum everything up anymore. I am upset sometimes, but I am upset about more then just one little thing. I am upset about everything, about the entirety of the relationship and the unrealness that it seems that it resembles to me. Last night he put his hands on my face and rubbed my skin. It was the most careing thing that matt has ever shown to me. and the guilt of feeling the way that I had been sank into me, but then I remem
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Time is obese
I dont know why in the world last night, when I would wake up, I'd think about becomming a train dispatcher. I think that Matt is putting a lot of pressure on me, which he shouldnt really be. I am getting my job back at advance to work while I am going to school. And it is almost like he is trying to make me think that school is wasted time. I know that I don't want to work at advance the rest of my life, or in a place like it. I want to make my life better then that. I feel sorry for the people who are working their butts off in there but it is what they made for themselves. To me the time that it is taking me to get my education will prevent me from being miserable later on in life. And I guess the dispatcher job is like another easy way out-- Like... ha, that only takes ten weeks of training and then I would make at least 50k a year, probably more. I don't rule something like that out, just because I feel like I can't wait another three years to start my life-- This really is one of the most stressful times in life. and Matt--- well he had it easy, and even when he didnt-- he didnt even think about how he were going to better himself. He never worried about it. But for some reason here, I am trying to figure it all out, and matt is just pushing me away from doing that for myself. I need his support, not him to critisize me for not working all the time-- I am going to school. I am doing what I can right now to work towards the future... that is my main goal... yet he doesnt see it like that, he acts like I am slacking off or wasteing my time. It really gets old. I dont know how to explain this to him. Like... I am sure that if i were to suggest that I do ten weeks of training away from home that he would be all about it. But would that really make me happy?? Having to drive an hour at least to work every day and having stress on my shoulders?? I mean I think that the job would be alright, but I can't picture myself working nights and everything like you are required I am pretty sure. I can ask my uncle what he thinks.. and what he knows about the job. That way I am not just guessing that it wouldn't be a good decision. But I think that my main reason for making the decision would be to just make matt happy and have his support on something. It sucks that he doesnt appreciate me for what I am doing right now.... It doesnt make me feel good.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Romantic Sweetheart Neckline Floral Ball Gown Tea Length Wedding Dress
Romantic Sweetheart Neckline Floral Ball Gown Tea Length Wedding Dress
awesome dress! 159.00 on zoom bridal.com
awesome dress! 159.00 on zoom bridal.com
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