It's not me

I guess no matter how busy you keep yourself, it doesnt matter. The thoughts of unsatisfaction and unhappiness have been with me for the past month or so. I've been thinking so much off and on off and on about what I should do, how I can make things better. Last night was a major break through with me. For some reason, when I got off of work, the only thing that I wanted or felt like doing was crying. I felt like letting loose and giving in to those emotions that I had been feeling and trying to keep burried for so long. Feelings that I felt I wasn't allowed to feel, or shouldn't feel because of trying to make him think that everything was okay. I've tried to talk to him and explain with out having to get upset. Even the crying I don't think made any point to him at all, except that I was upset-- not expressing from what cause. I just don't even know how to sum everything up anymore. I am upset sometimes, but I am upset about more then just one little thing. I am upset about everything, about the entirety of the relationship and the unrealness that it seems that it resembles to me. Last night he put his hands on my face and rubbed my skin. It was the most careing thing that matt has ever shown to me. and the guilt of feeling the way that I had been sank into me, but then I remem